OK, strike that—I've learned a helluva a lot this year. Like when I was actually in school again for a few months. And when I had to buck up and learn how to raise an ornery 1-year-old, and decided to switch jobs, and thought it would be fun to put our house on the market for cow plop and chuckles.
So what exactly did the fabulous year of 2011—my 32nd year of life—teach me amongst all this chaotic silliness?
1. Don't move around your bedroom furniture by yourself on the first morning of your staycation. Because when you go to bend over and pick up your kid that evening, you'll throw out your back and then pass out at 4am in the kitchen from the pain, landing you in the ER on day #2 of staycation. Staycation ruined.
2. When traveling abroad, turn off your phone and never, ever turn it back on until you are safely back in the US of A, unless you call prior and get on an international plan. Within five minutes of playing on Facebook, I was charged over $50 by our fine friends at Verizon. And believe you me, my roaming was turned off.
3. When traveling abroad, "all-inclusive" does not always apply to the resort's top-shelf alcohol. Oh they will make you think it does, but later a nice lad will bring you a bill for a $108 bottle of craptastically gritty Mexican wine as a night cap. And of course at that point they don't understand a lick of English. ¡qué fastidio!
4. Dog's have a cute way of forewarning you when they are sick. Well, at least their bodily functions do. If your dog's flatulence is surprisingly debilitating for your family for a few days straight, chances are something not-so-pretty is going to happen. So put the pup in a cage or keep her outside until she erupts. You can thank me later.
5. If your kid doesn't like sugar, don’t push it on them at their first birthday party. We all want the cute photo of them diving into the cake and making a huge mess, but the mess they will leave you in the crib at 2 am is just not worth it.
6. If you are given a chance to get back to Athens, Ohio—do like Sir Mix-A-Lot says and jump on it! We traveled to OU for both my sister-in-law's graduation and a friend's wedding, and felt 10 years younger, instantly. Pub, Junction, Pawpurr's—then some sweet D.P. Dough. Oh, oh, yes please.
7. Planning a 10-year college reunion with girlfriends in Vegas is the Best. Idea. Ever. Screaming out Jersey Shore quotes while drinking on the strip? ...Well, that may not be.
8. Now this is a super-duper important one (ladies). Save the food section at Target for last. If you are anything like me, most Target trips take at least 1.5 hours. Thus, if you put a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie in your cart at oh, say 8:15 pm, by about 9:30 you've got quite the little mess for yourself in the shoe section.
9. No matter how much I try to be a loyal fan, my Ohio sports teams will always disappoint. Except when their players complete front-flips into the end zone.
10. Just as soon as I think Mac has a well-fitting (enough) wardrobe to get him by on weekends and at daycare for a few months, his pants all go Pee Wee
Herman Harman on him.
And that's about all I've learned. Plus 1,534,968 other things. But that's the great thing about us human being peeps—we never stop learning. And I will never stop learning to make fun of my dorky self along the way.
Happy New Year 2012, friends! I'll see you on the flip side.